Handling Hidden Emotions

A colleague was in a meeting recently with her counterparts from around the state trying to figure out how they might collaborate to improve each of their organizations’ individual performance. As they considered possibilities, one member of the group kept objecting to everything in a harsh tone. Basically the message was, this will never work, don’t even try it. So, on breaks and when the naysayer was not in the room, the group came up … Read more…

Winning Or Losing?

Some believe living is all about being right/winning OR being wrong/losing. This either/or perspective is exciting and fun in sports. We can root for our team or favorite athlete with passion. However, this way of thinking is destructive in conversations and when we are trying to get stuff done with others. What does it mean to “win” in conversations? Convincing others your solution is the right one? Silencing others? Dominating the conversation? Looking good in … Read more…

Good Conversation Is An Inside Job

A good friend and colleague told me recently how reading my book, Talk Matters!, inspired him to reflect on his inner workings and how he interacts with others in his various roles as an experienced manager and member of several boards. I, of course, appreciated his taking my words to heart. It also got me to thinking that the essence of good conversation might primarily be an inside job. Despite years of teaching communication and … Read more…

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

In this time of “alternative facts” and “fake news,” the children’s rhyme, “Liar, liar, pants on fire”, doesn’t seem as amusing now as it might have when we were children. Lying or communicating falsehoods is a serious matter. It is serious enough to be addressed by one of the Ten Commandments that are foundational in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam (“Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”) and one of the elements of Wise or Virtuous Speech In the Eight-fold Path for ending suffering in Buddhism (“abstinence from false speech”).

The perils of lying are even illustrated in one of Aesop’s best-known known fables “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”  and the iconic stories about Pinocchio.

“False speech” undermines people’s trust and creates uncertainty among friends, colleagues and family members. When people lie, we then tend to question everything they say. As the old man who tries to comfort the shepherd boy in Aesop’s fable said, “Nobody believes a liar…even when he is telling the truth!”

Being untrustworthy undermines relationships and creates disharmony. Right now, trust and harmony are qualities we need more than ever in our lives.

Saying things that aren’t true also affects those who say them. I still remember the embarrassment I felt lying to my cousin when he caught me walking home from school early one morning in Adams, Massachusetts. “School was canceled,” my first-grade self exclaimed. I can still feel the shame I felt when he handed me over to my justifiably skeptical mother. It was painful to experience her mistrust of me for a time after this. I now know that I was experiencing the discomfort of “cognitive dissonance” or the conflict between one’s thoughts and words.

In addition, lying also reflects badly on and creates mistrust in the group or institution that the untruthful person is a part or representative of.  If you can’t trust someone to speak the truth, can you trust the group or institution they are speaking for? All in all, falsehood undermines the social fabric of our society.

It seems we all “lie” in big or small ways every day. When someone asks us how we are, we say we are fine even when we are not. We avoid telling people when they hurt our feelings. We tweak numbers and obfuscate performance at work. We don’t openly disagree with colleagues even when we do.

What leads us to lie, withhold accurate information, exaggerate, or create false impressions? Usual reasons include saving face, making a good impression (i.e., being loved or admired), keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, not hurting others’ feelings, gaining advantage over others, protecting one’s job or status, avoiding doing what you don’t want to do (School was canceled!), or creating confusion in order to distract people from the truth.

The unfortunate impact is that in the face of confusion and misinformation, people get cognitively overloaded and give up trying to discern fact from fiction.

Telling the truth is often not easy. For the sake of our relationships and the social fabric of our society, and to engender trust and confidence in the institutions that make civil society possible, we need to start telling the truth more and asking for the same from others.

Mary’s book “Talk Matters! Saving the World One Word at a Time” is now available.  Click here to purchase it.

Returning to the Present Moment

This spring, the water in Murray Canyon* is higher and faster than I have ever seen it. Heavy rains have washed parts of the trail away. To reach Seven Sisters Waterfall you need to follow a trail that goes from one side of the creek to the other. This entails crossing the creek multiple times on rocks or forging through the cold water rushing down from snow capped mountains. Either way, over the rocks or … Read more…

Practicing What I Preach

It’s getting harder to practice what I preach these days. It seems that several times a day I want to fight or flee from what I am hearing and seeing. In a recent Op Ed piece in our local paper, the headline “My skin color is my curse in today’s America” over the face of a mustachio-sporting white man pulled my chain. I immediately turned to the next page with unkind epithets spewing in my … Read more…

Effective Conversations Are a Critical Leadership Tool

Seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? You’ve been conversing your whole life. There’s no mystery involved, right? Maybe. As a leader how do you use conversations to lead, to get stuff done? (I am distinguishing between a task-oriented meeting with four or more participants and conversations among two to three.) People often start conversations with present-day events or concerns. For example, imagine that as you walk back to your office after a meeting, you exclaim … Read more…

Why Can’t We Converse with One Another?

It’s a tough time for conversations. The toxic national political environment is infecting interactions among friends, colleagues and neighbors. We are having a harder time listening to one another and an easier time vilifying those who think differently than we do. Social media feeds the flames. Curiosity and compassion have gone AWOL. Conversations are fraught with fears about the future, anger about the past, and disbelief at how we got here. The challenge for each … Read more…

What’s at Stake

After Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell used Senate rule # 19 to silence Senator Elizabeth Warren, Senator Marco Rubio* made an important speech that seems to have gone unnoticed. In it he said, “What’s at stake here tonight…is…the ability of the most important nation on earth to debate in a productive and respectful way the pressing issues before us.” He also stated, “We are reaching a point…where we are not going to be able to solve … Read more…

Mindsets Shape Meetings

Fixed or Growth Mindset

In a recent meeting with a client Roger and one of the organization’s senior managers expressed their concerns about a direction the CEO wanted to go. The CEO had spent a lot of time thinking about this direction and was confident it was right. Because this executive has a growth mindset, however, he listened to Roger’s and the manager’s concerns and changed his mind, “I got it. I just needed to think it through again.” … Read more…